You hear it all the time, “You’re never alone.” But you don’t fully understand the depth of that phrase until you really are alone.
Hey what’s up hello, darling! Welcome back to my blog; a space where I, a little girl from a small island, hopes to make a big impact in someone’s life by the words written on my heart by the author of life Himself.
Recently, I have gone through such a HUGE change in my life. As you all know, 2020 has just been… well… a year. Living through this pandemic has its ups and downs, but life as we knew it changed and everyone had to adjust. On top of all that, I moved out of my parents house! WOOHOO! It was such a huge accomplishment, especially living in the state of Hawaii. To top it all off, I had someone very close tell me that they are planning on moving out of state, which is never an easy thing to handle. Change is never easy.
With all that change happening, I allowed for my mind to go to such a negative head space and entertained thoughts I should have never let in. August 15th was the official move in-day for me and my best friend, Aly! However, she was still living in California and was trying to make her way here as soon as possible. Unfortunately, due to certain things, her arrival date kept getting pushed back so I had the apartment to myself for a couple of weeks, which was nice! But there were a lot of other things that I was handling and everything soon became very overwhelming. When isolated, the enemy tends to hit harder. Those quiet nights spent alone were filled with the noises of my negative thoughts… and, well, the sounds of the cars speeding on the highway. If you know, you know… LOL! But that’s besides the point. Haha! My family and I are extremely close and this was the first time ever being away from them. They, for the longest time, were like a spiritual foundation for me. My parents provided an amazing environment that allowed for me to be surrounded by the things of God, creating such a solid ground for me to stand on. But once I stepped out of that environment, it opened my eyes to where I truly lacked in my relationship with Christ, where I lacked in my intimacy with Him, and just how run-dry I was. Anyways, I began to feel unconnected to my family. They would have family conversations that I was no longer apart of simply because I wasn’t in the house. I would barely know anything that was going on in their lives simply because I wasn’t around to experience it with them. It was difficult for me. I felt as if I didn’t belong. “You don’t have a place anywhere anymore. You’re alone and no one cares about you. People will move on without you.” Thoughts like this would haunt me at night. The enemy hits harder when you’re isolated…
Like I said, I was going through and dealing with a bunch of other things. I’m the type of person that will love you through anything and I will put your needs before myself. I was a burden barer, I allow for the things that others are going through to affect me, and I would forget about whatever I am going through to make sure that someone else is okay. I would do whatever I needed to keep the peace around me, but ultimately forget about the peace within me. Being that person took a toll on me without me even realizing it. To go so long of constantly outpouring and giving so much of myself and to not successfully fill myself back up with the kind of love I’d freely give damaged me. Once I was alone, the negative thoughts rushed in and filled the empty spaces that I should have been filling back up with Jesus a long time ago. “People only use you and take you for granted and no one actually cares about you.”
A lot of things have happened in the last year. Things that made me question my self-worth; events that provoked an anxious spirit within me. I can’t share it all, but trust me when I say it was a lot to handle. Once I was alone, I faced it all over again. When I became isolated, it was too much for me to handle. I grew to be extremely tired, apathetic, numb, and straight up depressed. I found myself crying my eyes out at one point and then at the next, just sitting there starring at a blank wall feeling so empty, lost and confused. I am not this kind of person. I’m not a sad person. Why is this happening? Why do I feel like this? I would pray and pray and feel as if nothing changed. So many other negative thoughts would fill my mind:
“People will be better off without you.”
“No one would even notice you’re gone.”
“I don’t want to be alive anymore…”
My beautiful mother noticed something wrong. Mother’s have that kind of superpower. She could see the darkness slowly overtaking me. She can feel the Light of Christ slowly fading away within me. She just knew. I am beyond grateful to have such a strong woman of faith in my life who knows her authority in Christ. She reached out and saved me, literally. She helped pull me out of the darkness that I was captured by. She would tell me Truth. She would show me Love. She brought Light. How? By bringing God back into the equation. She reminded me of who God says I am. I am loved (John 15:9). I am chosen (Ephesians 1:4). I am a child of God (1 John 3:1). She reminded me of God’s unfailing love and unending grace; that he will never leave me. Isaiah 41 explains just that. “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand” (Isaiah 41: 10 NLT). The only way to combat darkness is to turn on the Light. The Bible says, “And this Living Expression is the Light that bursts through gloom – the Light that darkness could not diminish.” (John 1:5 TPT). Jesus is the Light. I spent so long entertaining the darkness, allowing for it to capture and consume me. But NO MORE. I am consumed by the Light, captured by The King of Kings. I engulfed myself in His truth and surrounded myself by His love. I was never alone. No one left me, and Jesus was sitting next to me the entire time just waiting for me to grab hold of His hands once again. It took a while but I finally ran back to Him.
You’re never alone. It may feel as if you are, especially if you’re physically alone, but you’re never alone. The year 2020 has taught me that we should find peace in solitude; find rest in the pause. Allow for yourself to get filled up again. Allow for God to fill the empty spaces. I looked at being alone wrong this whole time. I glorified the negative aspects rather than looking at its positives. If it wasn’t for this moment, I wouldn’t have known the condition of my heart and mind. And now, I’m at a place where I can truly say that I am with God again. I’m at a place where I can say that if God isn’t in it, I don’t want it – relationships, a job opportunity, anything. I don’t want to go back to the negative head space, the anxiety, or the depression. I heard it said that if you place everything in God’s hands, you’ll begin to see God’s hands in everything. I will choose to let the chaos settle in the palm of His hand and let it turn into beautiful harmony and unending peace by allowing for Him to have total control once again. I am better and happier and when life throws another curve ball, because you know it will, I know that I will be able to handle it so much better.
If you’re like me and you have gone through or are trying to get through something similar, God wants you to know that it may seem dark in the moment, but don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. There is always Light at the end of every tunnel and you just have to keep pushing forward. Let Him be your light. He is not going to abandon you and there is someone somewhere who truly cares about you too. You’re going to be alright and you don’t have to do this alone. You are loved, don’t forget that! God is waiting for you to run to Him and to allow for Him to lead you out of the darkness. Let Him.
2020 has been a craaaazy year. Might as well throw it all away and start fresh in 2021, right? WRONG. God created the world and everything in it in just a week. Imagine what he can do in your life in that same amount of time! We have about three more months left. Don’t give up. The miracle you’re praying for, the blessings you’re waiting for, and the peace you’re searching for is just around the corner and God will give it to you in His time. Remain hopefully!
WHELP. There you have it, folks! I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I’ve enjoyed writing! Feel free to share this post with anyone who could use the encouragement. We are all in this together! Don’t forget to subscribe and get notified whenever I upload a new blog. It’s free, all you need is an email and you’ll receive an email notification every time I upload!
I love you all so much! Until next time, love bugs! xoxo