From Insecure to Invincible

Who was I? I was the kind of girl who would sit and wait for the storm to pass… waited for courage to overtake me but realized that I would wait for what seemed to be forever, slowly being consumed by an enemy called fear. I was the kind of girl who would see her flaws as signs and proof of insignificance and unimportance. I was the kind of girl who avoided mirrors because every time I looked in one, I was hit with the cruel realization that THAT is what people saw. I would seek out reassurance that I was beautiful, valued, talented and loved… Thinking that that is what my soul needed in order to be satisfied. I sought out and thrived from compliments, but couldn’t receive them very well and say something as simple as thank you, ultimately leading me to disagree with a person and saying things like, “Oh no no…” or “nahh it’s nothing really.” A quiet girl with a loud mind full of thoughts of doubt about herself… Yes, I was that kind of girl.

I remember absolutely hating to go to school not because of the schoolwork and homework they would give, but because I didn’t like who I was when I went. I remember crying every day because I didn’t want to go. I was not comfortable at school because I wasn’t happy with who I was. I believe my physical appearance was the main reason I was unhappy with myself. Picture this… I wore powder-blue sketchers with ankle socks (ankle socks were NOT cool back then), hand-me-down and faded clothes, I had flat frizzy hair that I would split down the middle and wear in a low ponytail, and a BIG gap between my teeth. Writing it out and reflecting on it now, I didn’t look that bad, lol! But back then, I thought I looked horrible. Also, keep in mind, I went to school in Mauka, which is the rich part of Mililani… And I was a girl from Wahiawa. Being surrounded by kids with all the cool and nice things in comparison to my “junk” things was hard for an immature little girl to handle. Disclaimer – I am so appreciative of my parents! My parents have given me the best childhood ever and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I was and still am so blessed! I was just so immature back then and didn’t realize that there was more to life than material things. But I just had to mention that. I don’t want any haters, k?! Haha! But anyway, continuing on… I would have to say my biggest insecurity would have to have been my smile… Which was unfortunate because if you know me, then you would know how much I love to smile and laugh! But I use to think that I was too ugly to smile so if I wasn’t at home or around people I was comfortable with, then I wouldn’t speak unless spoken to and I would laugh with my hand over my mouth. I just felt like whenever I talked, my gap was all people saw, and I disliked that feeling. It is hard to live every single day uncomfortable and unhappy with yourself. Looking back on it now, my gap was beautiful and unique. I don’t regret investing in braces cause it did help me gain confidence in myself, but I know with hard work and time, I would have been able to be confident with my gap! Another insecurity I faced concerned my singing… Crazy, right?! I couldn’t even sing in front of people. I was so shy and just thought I was a horrible singer so when I started singing, you could literally hear… Wait for it… Absolutely… NOTHING! NADA! I was so soft! Thinking back on it now, I’m like, “GIRL. COME ON. FOR REALS? Goodnessssss!” Haha! All I can do now is laugh at my craziness! Haha! There were other situations in my life that fed into my insecurities and filled my brain with so many lies, but that is not what this post is about. Haha! Maybe another time.

Hopefully that gives you a clear understanding about the kind of girl I use to be. There is so much more to be said about that but I think that paints a pretty clear picture of how insecure I was. I am not exaggerating at all when I say that I was that insecure. Even a pastor’s kid, church girl is insecure. We are not exempt because we grew up in church and have pastors for parents. I realized that my parents couldn’t provide the confidence I wanted, and more importantly, the faith I needed. When I was around 13 years old, I remember having a breakdown. I remember being sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself, hating myself, and walking around feeling broken and insecure. I remember expressing this to my Mom one day and she told me about Colossians 1:27, “Christ in me, the Hope of Glory.” At that moment in time, it hit me! I realized that I was living such a selfish life from a selfish point of view because it wasn’t even about me, but rather Christ in me. It was at that point that I had a mindset switch and a change of heart. I wanted to know God on a personal and intimate level. It was my choice and I then took ownership of my walk with God. From that point on, I found my confidence in Christ. God became the source of my confidence and became my inspiration and passion. The more I grew closer to Him, the more confidence grew in my heart. I found satisfaction, approval, and reassurance in Christ and in Him alone! I was falling deeper and deeper in love with God, and in turn, falling deeper in love with who I was as His precious daughter. Not only that, I fell in love with my journey. I was proud of the woman I was becoming. The more I learned about how much love and grace God had for me, I knew that I should not only show that kind of love and grace to others, but it is so necessary to show that kind of love and grace to myself. And that is exactly what I have been working on. It is such a beautiful feeling! Growing up in church, you hear that truth often… But once it goes from head hearing to heart knowing, only then will that truth become your reality.

Now today, Misha Rosario is a transformed woman. When I was 14 years old, I sang my very first big special at our joint Christmas Service. I went from not being able to sing in front of people AT ALL to singing in front of hundreds of people. It was scary, but definitely a major turning point moment in my life. Today, I still choose to sing for Jesus on my church’s worship team. Not only that, I co-lead that worship team with my 2 brothers as well as lead our church’s ambience ministry. God is good! I remember growing up in church always hearing that God doesn’t call the equipped, He equips the called. So I go back to my original point… God has you on your journey for a purpose that goes beyond just yourself. Oswald Chambers once said, “Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.” You may not understand why He has you where He has you, but trust Him anyway. He has a plan for your life!

Also, at around age 13, I started to speak life over myself and everyone around me. I took ownership of my compassionate heart and natural “encourager” kind of spirit.  I spoke positive affirmations and I started small. What do I mean by that? I mean, whenever I looked in a mirror, I would choose to see the “okay” things about myself. For example, I would say things like, “Meesh, your hair looks okay today. I mean… it could look better but it looks good enough!” Haha! Or things like, “Meesh, your teeth look okay! I mean… they could be straighter but they’re still cute.” Haha! Start off small. Practice speaking life and positivity over yourself. And even if you don’t believe it in the moment, you’re training your eyes to see the beauty that is there. You’re changing your mind to believe that you are amazing. You’re adopting the mind and vision of Christ. But I also learned how to say thank you when someone complimented me instead of shying away and disagreeing with someone, and so I would borrow their belief in me until I had enough belief for myself. Eventually I upgraded my verbage and lingual and spoke even more life and positivity over myself. Today, I am able to say things like, “Meesh, you are a strong, independent, BEAUTIFUL woman! You are a winner AND a champion. You are beautiful in the eyes of God. You’re a jewel on His crown. You are a Daughter of the Most High! You are a bada** with a good heart! A lady with class and a boss with sass!” Haha! I tell myself, “You are GOOD enough, SMART enough, BEAUTIFUL enough, and STRONG enough. Believe it and NEVER let insecurity run your life!” No joke. I say those things to myself sometimes. Positive input will ultimately produce a positive output… and vice versa! A positive output will produce a positive input. Learn to speak life over yourself first. When you speak life over something, it will grow and flourish and transform into something so beautiful. When you speak positive things over yourself, you’re filling yourself up with so much of God’s love, and then you will exude that love to everyone you meet. And when you share the love of Christ, then you’re simultaneously filling yourself up with that love as well!

The confidence that people see in me when I’m singing on stage, or talking to someone new, or with every step I take… THAT confidence is called, Jesus. I choose to live every single day of my life shining His light and spreading His love everywhere I go with anyone I encounter. I do my best to show Christ in me. I’m definitely not perfect at it, but I don’t settle for anything less than my best. If I learned one thing throughout my journey thus far, it is that confidence is a choice. Like I said earlier, there will be times when old habits come back, insecurities reside inside, and fear and doubt take control. But it is in those moments that you need to choose confidence. Choose boldness and conviction. Choose yourself. And more importantly, choose Jesus. Everyone’s journey to reaching full confidence in themselves  found in Christ will look different. However, I believe our starting and ending points are the same. It all starts with a choice to want to be better than we were yesterday. It’s a choice to want to seek more of who God is and fall deeper in love with the one who pursues us relentlessly. It’s a choice to chase after He who provides grace upon grace. We need to choose it for ourselves. And this journey will end once we achieve oneness with Christ. It’s a lifelong journey we must all take. We are all in the same boat! Thank God we are not on this journey alone!

H e l p f u l  T i p s 

I want to leave you with a few more tips I picked up along the way. Like I said, I’m still learning and I’m still on my journey. But these 5 things are helping me, and I hope it helps you too!

1) Stop comparing

I know. I know. Much easier said than done. But just understand that you are YOU and no one can touch that. Understand that you are uniquely and wonderfully made in the eyes of God. So don’t waste your time trying to be like someone else. You can’t be that person so focus your energy on trying to be a better version of yourself.

2) Speak Life

Two words: Positive Affirmation. There is power in spoken word. Anything you visualize, say or expect to happen has a chance of happening. So if you speak negative things over yourself, then that is how you’ll display yourself to the world. So change that and speak life. Be positive. You’ll become a light to other people and will encourage them to be a positive ray of sunshine like you!

3) Pamper yourself

Take moments to have time to yourself! Replenish your soul by treating yourself to quality “you” time and do things that you love and you’re passionate about. Also, get rid of the clutter in your life. A messy house causes a messy mind. Declutter! And lastly, if you want, give yourself a makeover – add some highlights, put some makeup on, buy a new outfit, change your diet… Whatever you want! When you look good on the outside, you’ll feel good on the inside. And people will see that!

4) Walk with purpose 

When you walk, have good posture. Look up and smile instead of looking at the ground. Walk as if you’re going somewhere important. Something as simple as changing how you walk will help in a big way!

5) Set goals for yourself and SMASH it

Whether it be getting a 4.0 GPA, working out for a month straight, or starting a blog (*wink wink* haha), set a realistic goal for yourself and complete it. You’ll feel good when you know you’ve accomplished something!